Powerful Mind

It seems a little crazy to me how much our minds can affect every part of our day, and our lives really. What you are thinking about and how you react to situations make you who you are. I had a little bit of difficulty with jealousy this weekend (surprise surprise), and I was reading on ways to help myself deal with this. It's all up to me. It's up to me whether I make the small stuff a big deal or if I want to dwell on a series of what-if's that I made up. Since I've been hurt in the past, I know that I like to look at the glass half empty. I don't try and find the positive things that might come out of a situation; I like to search for everything that could go wrong. That way when things do go wrong I don't find myself too disappointed. The sad thing is that I KNOW I think this way and I know it is harmful to me. I just don't know how to fix it. My mind is always racing, but I guess it isn't powerful enough to push out the negative thoughts and look on the bright side. Well not powerful enough yet; I hope to get there one day. When it comes to relationship, I have not been good enough in more than one situation. So it's hard for me to believe that I am good enough now. I'm tired of always being in a constant battle with myself. But I love my boyfriend and he is worth it enough to try and win this battle. We have a strong enough relationship where I know he will wait for me to be entirely whole again, but if I don't make progress it might be too hard. Not just for him, but for me also. I just have to remind myself daily of what is important to me and what I need to do to get there. I need to find my powerful mind.

Winter Blahhhhhs

I can't seem to shake this winter time blah that I am stuck in. I don't know if it has something to do with the weather or what, but I'm tired of feeling this way! It's the end of the work week for me today, I just need to make it until 2 o'clock! Tonight I am going on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend. Should be really fun, especially since I haven't seen her in a long time! I cut my hair yesterday, as in chopped it off. It was time for something new and my hair was getting way too long. I was hoping that it would give me some push out of my blah mood, its definitely helping! Im also getting out of town this weekend and going to a college football game with my boyfriend and brother in San Francisco. I'm not too much of a football fan but I do enjoy both of their company, so I'm looking forward to it.

I'm at work now, I work in an office in the accounting department, and its frustrating sometimes because I do my work so fast that I run out of things to do. Which is why I am on here:) It is a really good job though for someone my age so I can't complain too much. My grades were finally posted yesterday for all my classes. I passes all of them!! Now I can stay on track with the plan I have lined up, and hopefully I'll graduate soon!

I'm not sure if my boyfriend has the winter blahs also, but things have felt very low key with him lately. No real problems, I just feel like he is quieter than usual. I could be completely making this up in my head, so who knows. I'm just kind of waiting it out and hoping that it passes. If not, I'm sure I'll say something to him just to make sure everything is going okay. They say relationships get harder during the winter time, but I know we have a strong enough one to make it through this.

Busy Times

Today is a new day and I'm feeling a lot more tired than I did yesterday. I never really fell out of my funk that I was in but I didn't let it ruin my whole day. Today is going to be a busy day and so is the rest of the week. I am a cheer coach and basketball season starts this week which means two nights of games and one night of practice. I am not looking forward to losing all of my free time but it is only for a couple of weeks. My boyfriend on the other hand has plenty of free time. He didn't have to work yesterday or today, which made getting up even harder since he gets to stay in bed! He is also going snowboarding tomorrow with some of his friends, and his best friend (who is a girl). He didn't even invite me. I can't go because of work, but it still would have been nice to be invited. And I told him that, I don't just complain here and not tell him how I feel. He knows how I feel about everything, it's still just hard for me to deal with. So instead of keeping it in and exploding, I vent here!:)

So I've been thinking a lot about a guy that I semi dated over a year ago. It was before me and my boyfriend knew each other and I haven't talked to him since we started dating. I wanted to get back in touch with him again because he is a great guy and it was really easy to talk to him, just about everyday stuff. I do NOT have any feelings for him anymore at all, I love my boyfriend very much and wouldn't trade him for anything. So is it okay to reconnect? If my boyfriend is allowed to have female friends then shouldn't it be okay for me to have male friends?

Struggling...

It's a new year and a new week and I am back to work after a week of vacation (which was wonderful by the way!). I overslept this morning due to the iPhone alarm glitch, so I was very rushed but still managed to make it to work on time. I feel like I am going to be in a funk today. I don't know why or if I might be creating it out of nothing, but I just feel weird today. And honestly I think it has to do with Facebook, I got on that thing today for the first time in over a week and browsed at different peoples pages. Not just my boyfriends, because as we all know you can see everything about everyone on that stupid website. I seriously hate it, but I won't delete it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I am constantly searching for the bad in people. I've been let down so much in my life that I just expect it. I can't just accept the fact that my boyfriend might actually be a great guy who is going to be faithful and honest. I am waiting for his secrets to spill, to find out that his female friends aren't just friends...or I don't know what I am looking for. I KNOW this is bad because it will eventually lead to my own downfall but I can't help it!! I can't make my mind work differently. How do you deal with trust issues once you've been hurt so badly before?

It's still really early in the day so hopefully this funk goes away and I can have a normal monday. I talked with one of my best friends that I have kind of lost touch with and we decided to start having a girls night once a week. We both only hang out with our boyfriends but desperately need some girl time in our life! I know this will be really good for us and hopefully we start that today!

What's Next?

I just finished my 7th semester of college last Friday. Technically I should be graduating this spring but I transferred from a different 4-year university to CSUS after two year and I switched my major. I am now a Math major, crazy I know. Upper division math is really tough. My original plans were to become a Math Teacher at high school level, but there is a possibility I didn't pass one of my classes so my plans might change. I'm trying not to stress to much about it until I find out if I really pass the class or not. These are big plans though, I really have no idea what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. To be honest I really like the sound of a teaching job because I like the fact that you get summers and major holidays off. I want my #1 job to be a Mom, but that doesn't pay bills so teaching would do. I know I would enjoy teaching math because for 1. I really enjoy math and 2. I am a cheer coach for high school level and I like teaching that age group. But I guess I find myself wondering what is next for me if I decide not to teach. I'm not sure what other careers I would enjoy doing that involve Math degrees. I guess I can only take it one day at a time and see where life leads me.

Christmas is getting closer and I still haven't finished all of my shopping. Money is pretty tight in my family this year so we are doing white elephant with the whole family. It should be pretty fun, we have done this before and sometimes it can get kind of crazy! But I do enjoy being with my family no matter what we are doing. My parents surprised my sister, brother and I with a trip to Disneyland as our Christmas present. We are leaving the day after Christmas. I am a total Disney lover:) I love everything about it, especially Disneyland. My boyfriend is also coming with us, which I am really happy about. He gets along perfectly with my family which makes it easy. He was my brother's football coach last year (which is how we met!). He also coaches with my Dad so I didn't have to worry about him meeting my parents when we first started dating. But anyway, Disneyland at Christmas time is super fun but also super crowded! I can't wait:)

Trusting Again...

So as I said in my last post, I have a boyfriend of a little over a year. He is wonderful. We connected so much when we first met and we get along very well. He has a lot of female friends. This drives me absolutely crazy. And it's not in the jealous "I don't want my boyfriend to talk to anyone but me!" way, it's because I have been cheated on numerous times. After someone you thought you could trust betrays you like that, its hard to let people in again. My boyfriend now is NOTHING like my ex, but my mind likes to think about all the what-ifs, and what makes this guy different from any of the others. I have talked to him on many occasions, but I still can't help but feel uncomfortable with him talking to other girls. Who says they aren't flirting or hiding things behind my back? I know I have to trust him but my past makes it hard. Anyone else struggle with their past and just wish it would go away? I always seem to find myself looking at his friends on facebook, just wondering what they look like. I know this is something I should NOT do. But stupid facebook makes it so easy!

On another note, my puppy came home last night from the Vet. I have a Tri-Color Shiba Inu. If you have never heard of this breed you should look them up, they are the cutest! Ill attach a picture soon! She was spayed yesterday and had a tooth pulled! My poor baby girl was a little loopy last night and slept all snuggled up next to me:) Animals really do bring so much joy into our lives, I dont know what I'd do with out her!

I'm going over to my aunt's house today to bake some cookies for Christmas. It's a tradition in our family to do this every year and I really enjoy it! Much more than going out and Christmas shopping:) Is everyone surviving the crazy shopping season?

Beginning of a New Day:)

This is my first post as a blogger and I'm pretty excited. I have never shared my thoughts like this so it should be interesting. I am one of those people who can't ever stop thinking. It drives me insane most of the time and I'm hoping this will help me to turn my thoughts into more positive ones. You don't know much about me but I'm sure as time goes on I will reveal more about me, and I hope to find some people who can understand the way my mind works and relate. I also hope that I can find a way for me to understand the way my mind works!

I'll start my introduction by telling you that I am a college student, in my early twenties. I have a part time job and I am also a cheer coach. I have a boyfriend and we have been dating for just a little over a year. I have been hurt a lot in my past; not only by ex-boyfriends but also by friends. Therefore, my little brother is my best friend and is someone I can always count on.

That's all for now:) more to come later!

<3