Powerful Mind

It seems a little crazy to me how much our minds can affect every part of our day, and our lives really. What you are thinking about and how you react to situations make you who you are. I had a little bit of difficulty with jealousy this weekend (surprise surprise), and I was reading on ways to help myself deal with this. It's all up to me. It's up to me whether I make the small stuff a big deal or if I want to dwell on a series of what-if's that I made up. Since I've been hurt in the past, I know that I like to look at the glass half empty. I don't try and find the positive things that might come out of a situation; I like to search for everything that could go wrong. That way when things do go wrong I don't find myself too disappointed. The sad thing is that I KNOW I think this way and I know it is harmful to me. I just don't know how to fix it. My mind is always racing, but I guess it isn't powerful enough to push out the negative thoughts and look on the bright side. Well not powerful enough yet; I hope to get there one day. When it comes to relationship, I have not been good enough in more than one situation. So it's hard for me to believe that I am good enough now. I'm tired of always being in a constant battle with myself. But I love my boyfriend and he is worth it enough to try and win this battle. We have a strong enough relationship where I know he will wait for me to be entirely whole again, but if I don't make progress it might be too hard. Not just for him, but for me also. I just have to remind myself daily of what is important to me and what I need to do to get there. I need to find my powerful mind.

Winter Blahhhhhs

I can't seem to shake this winter time blah that I am stuck in. I don't know if it has something to do with the weather or what, but I'm tired of feeling this way! It's the end of the work week for me today, I just need to make it until 2 o'clock! Tonight I am going on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend. Should be really fun, especially since I haven't seen her in a long time! I cut my hair yesterday, as in chopped it off. It was time for something new and my hair was getting way too long. I was hoping that it would give me some push out of my blah mood, its definitely helping! Im also getting out of town this weekend and going to a college football game with my boyfriend and brother in San Francisco. I'm not too much of a football fan but I do enjoy both of their company, so I'm looking forward to it.

I'm at work now, I work in an office in the accounting department, and its frustrating sometimes because I do my work so fast that I run out of things to do. Which is why I am on here:) It is a really good job though for someone my age so I can't complain too much. My grades were finally posted yesterday for all my classes. I passes all of them!! Now I can stay on track with the plan I have lined up, and hopefully I'll graduate soon!

I'm not sure if my boyfriend has the winter blahs also, but things have felt very low key with him lately. No real problems, I just feel like he is quieter than usual. I could be completely making this up in my head, so who knows. I'm just kind of waiting it out and hoping that it passes. If not, I'm sure I'll say something to him just to make sure everything is going okay. They say relationships get harder during the winter time, but I know we have a strong enough one to make it through this.

Busy Times

Today is a new day and I'm feeling a lot more tired than I did yesterday. I never really fell out of my funk that I was in but I didn't let it ruin my whole day. Today is going to be a busy day and so is the rest of the week. I am a cheer coach and basketball season starts this week which means two nights of games and one night of practice. I am not looking forward to losing all of my free time but it is only for a couple of weeks. My boyfriend on the other hand has plenty of free time. He didn't have to work yesterday or today, which made getting up even harder since he gets to stay in bed! He is also going snowboarding tomorrow with some of his friends, and his best friend (who is a girl). He didn't even invite me. I can't go because of work, but it still would have been nice to be invited. And I told him that, I don't just complain here and not tell him how I feel. He knows how I feel about everything, it's still just hard for me to deal with. So instead of keeping it in and exploding, I vent here!:)

So I've been thinking a lot about a guy that I semi dated over a year ago. It was before me and my boyfriend knew each other and I haven't talked to him since we started dating. I wanted to get back in touch with him again because he is a great guy and it was really easy to talk to him, just about everyday stuff. I do NOT have any feelings for him anymore at all, I love my boyfriend very much and wouldn't trade him for anything. So is it okay to reconnect? If my boyfriend is allowed to have female friends then shouldn't it be okay for me to have male friends?

Struggling...

It's a new year and a new week and I am back to work after a week of vacation (which was wonderful by the way!). I overslept this morning due to the iPhone alarm glitch, so I was very rushed but still managed to make it to work on time. I feel like I am going to be in a funk today. I don't know why or if I might be creating it out of nothing, but I just feel weird today. And honestly I think it has to do with Facebook, I got on that thing today for the first time in over a week and browsed at different peoples pages. Not just my boyfriends, because as we all know you can see everything about everyone on that stupid website. I seriously hate it, but I won't delete it. I don't know what is wrong with me, I am constantly searching for the bad in people. I've been let down so much in my life that I just expect it. I can't just accept the fact that my boyfriend might actually be a great guy who is going to be faithful and honest. I am waiting for his secrets to spill, to find out that his female friends aren't just friends...or I don't know what I am looking for. I KNOW this is bad because it will eventually lead to my own downfall but I can't help it!! I can't make my mind work differently. How do you deal with trust issues once you've been hurt so badly before?

It's still really early in the day so hopefully this funk goes away and I can have a normal monday. I talked with one of my best friends that I have kind of lost touch with and we decided to start having a girls night once a week. We both only hang out with our boyfriends but desperately need some girl time in our life! I know this will be really good for us and hopefully we start that today!